well well well... I don't know if this is gonna fix itself this time.  Shrug, guess it all happens for a reason.

 

Boys are weird

.. Girls are weirder.

 

Honestly...

This wasn't

Meant to be

The sky is crashing down

And you're tired of the rain

So you drive so far

You're back where you started

In the rain

Maybe you should go underground

Let the dirt shelter you

And fill your open wounds

But honestly

I like the rain

... This wasn't meant to be

 

So I'm actually pretty weak

And all this anger and independence

Is a cover for what's really going on

The shaky hands

The constant want to just be taken care of

To be someone's princess

....

I want my daddy.... *cry*

 

 

 

The Cooper song (sung in the same tune as the Dreidel song on South Park)

 

Cooper, Cooper, Cooper

He dresses really gay

 

Something about the texture of the carpet

Or was it hardwood

I just remember sleeping really

Face pressed against something

It didn't really matter what

 

 

You spend 12 years going to a school you hate, and when you finally think it's over you find out you have to go for 2 more years and it's gonna cost you 40 grand.  So then you have to work your ass off at a job you hate and all you can think about while you're there is how much you just wish someone would shoot you in the head.  And you wait and hope and pray for someone to love you, and no one ever will.  So you take the money you have left over from paying for education, and shelter, and nutrition, and buy material things that seem to make you feel better but it never lasts.  And you never get ahead on money, or homework, or happiness.  And you just wish someone would shoot you in the head beacause you're too scared to do it yourself.  So the next day you go back to your job that you hate, to buy things that you hate, and all the while.... you're dying.

 

First of all... if I got somethin to say, I'm gonna mother fuckin say it Jimmy, and if you don't like it, don't fuckin read it.  I swear to god one day karma is gonna come back for your ass and your dick's gonna fall off, until then.. happy humping.

 

Now a little something I like to call "The B's"

 

Brick colored broken fingers

From pushing back abusive boys

When lying in bed

With married men

And getting blamed

For lives destroyed

For broken homes

And bigamy

Bruises color her

Black and blue.

 

The C's

 

Coffee shop

Convorsations

Endless cups of caffeine

Sucking on coconut cigaretts

These candy addictions

Carry countless inflictions

Even the corupt are capable

And the perfect, corrupt.

 

So I don't see why everyone is so hung up on being with someone.  Sure it's nice and everything but I notice people whose whole lives revolve around it. "I gotta find someone, I gotta meet someone, if I don't meet anyone I'll curl up in a little ball and forget everything I already love"... why don't you just fuckin relax and enjoy being you.. so you're with someone, great.. that someone leaves, fine... no big deal.  The way I see it is I'll always have my art, and my poetry, and great music to listen to, and if I don't have a boy that says "I love you" to me................ then I'm probably better off anyway.

 

-I took it right from shelby's journal because she put the evening summary so nicely-

 

"so tonight, me and krissy went to the b+o and then we proceeded to go to pioneer square. well, we were having a strawberry cigarette and listening to p-funk when we spot a gorgeous boy with a faux hawk. i say "haaaaaay" and he wants us to come back. so we fucking come back. him and like a million other drunk guys pile in/on/around the car and tell us we're "suuuuch cuties". and we are flattered by this drunken mess and smile and tell them we will take them to the downunder. well, we dont take them, but we drive around with them, meet more of thier friends and laugh a lot. krissy got an ugly guys # and she is gonna call tomorrow and see about us hanging out with faux hawk. heh."

 

--sometimes I'm soo surprised how we can turn nothing into something, I fucking love this city..... even through the soggy shoes, endless bus rides, bumper to bumper traffic, and bums on every block, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'd also like to announce that I watched Julien Donkey-boy tonight and it SUCKED.. don't EVER watch it.

 

I just got home from a weekend in Manhatten and damn straight I'm gonna talk about it.  We left Seattle sat morning, the flight was nice, but it went downhill from there.  Our driver was late pickin us up in New Jersey, then we sat in traffic for FOREVER, and I was sure I'd die of a freakin heart attack before we even made it to the hotel cause a this guys driving.  Did you know they don't even have lane divisions downtown-it's fucking survival of the fittest and this was very unsettling to a girl from Seattle.  So finally we get to the hudson hotel and drag our luggage up lime green escalators to an amazing room, ceiling was completely covered in ivy.... and the rooms, small, but oh so amazing.

     So the next morning I get a wake up call much too early from dad and we get some cheap breakfast across the street.  Then we head out on a walk which resulted in a freakin million block hike and of course I had my heels on and ended up with blisters-but these weren't just any blisters, these were New York blisters.  We ended up seeing central park, trump tower, 5th Ave, and of course time square, which made Seattle look like a fuckin joke, and being a graphic designer I was awestruck by the skyscraper sized advertisements... I mean these things were fuckin HUGE.

     Then night fell, and me and dad have a premeire to get to.  So we head outside, dressed to the 9's, and catch a cab to lincoln center.  It was such a surreal star-studded event.  The whole cast of the Missing was there, Tommy Lee Jones, Kate Blanchett, even Kevin Bacon was sighted.  After the movie we were all bussed to the after party where we brushed shoulders with New York finest.  The music was loud, the drinks were free, and the people were gorgeous.  After my first screwdriver I ended up sitting next to a woman who works for imagine entertainment.  I lean over and say "those shoes are fabulous, I love them", and 45 mins later she hands me her e-mail address and says "e-mail me as soon as you graduate, 6 months to a year, it doesn't matter, I'll remember you.. and I know some graphic design people."  At this point I'm freakin extatic, and on my 3rd screwdriver by the way.

    So then I enter the celeb tent, fashionably late I may add, which was dumb cause Tommy Lee Jones already left, but Ron Howard was still there and he was chatting up the "villian" from his movie.  So I approach them, shake Ron's hand, and get a picture with both of them.. WOW.  I also end up talking to quite a few other aspiring actors, and even the little girl who played in the movie... she's soooo cute.  What a night.

     Which brings me to today.  A long flight home, and it's late now.  What a crazy weekend.

 

My summary of New York:  lots of black trenchcoats, and yellow cabs, dark hair, dark alleys, tinted windows, great food, great accents, bad drivers, long walks, short tempers, no smoking or standing or honking allowed, and everyone's smoking and standing and honking anyway.

 

     Where do I start.  I went to Oregon this last weekend for an early Thanksgiving.  This morning, sigh, I had to come through portland to get home because snoqualmie pass was so shitty... this is like an hour out of my way, so that pissed me off, but whatever.. better late than dead.  So I get home and instantly have to head to class to get a project done.

     Well I take my exit.. pass a couple lights... and I come to a red light.  It turns green, I begin to go.... and someone runs a red light and smashes into me.  My head hits the rear view mirror, ripping it completely off, and my knee smashes into the steering column.  It happened right downtown, at least a hundred people saw... and it was drama drama drama.  So the firefighters ask if I wanna go to the hospital and I say "nooo I have a project due in class tonight".. even though I can hardly walk... they tow my car, and I am told the other persons insurance will pay for everything, sigh.

     By the way I love Seattle... while I was sitting there bawling at least 5 different people came up to hug me... 3 girls even brought me hot cocoa (god bless those girls.. karma's gonna come back for you guys, thankyou).  The cops are all super sweet, and one gives me a ride to school.  I didn't stay long however, my knee is STILL throbbing.

     Of course I call everyone, dad, all my friends.. and everyone is very sympathetic and caring (thank god for loved ones)... stephanie even offers to drive up from Oregon.  However one of my friends couldn't have fuckin cared less... after I was done with my story and how it happened this "friend" said "oh that sucks" and then launched into their day.... I was shocked, if it had been the other way around I would have been like "oh my god, are you ok, do you need any money or anything... and so on"... .... maybe this was all meant to show me how onesided this friendship is.  Needless to say it was the last straw for me.. oh well.

     So the last three weeks have worn me so thin, between airplanes, cab rides, New York, 4 hour drives to Oregon, work, and final projects... I'm surprised I'm still alive.  But I am... and I love it.

 

There once was a lady named Du

Who hated this girl we both knew

This ugly girl Lydia

You know I'm not kiddin ya

She always smelled like beer and poo.

 

All the boards and nails in the world

Couldn't block out

Enough light

To keep me asleep

Morning seems to seep in through the walls

Forming a cloud of

Rude awakening

Lashes are pressed

So firmly together

There are creases in my face

And the weight of the pillows

Seems to be enough to suffocate me

Yet the daylight still creeps in.

 

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is on, and I'm officially in the christmas spirit.  I love christmas movies, I love christmas everything.

Finals are coming along nicely, the stress is subsiding.  The progress on the car seems to be at a stand still, but I'm remaining optimistic.  Oh who reads this crap anyway, I think I write all this to feed my own ego :)... at any rate (oh god I just said at any rate, Zola is rubbing off on me) I'm gonna go be lazy for the rest of the evening, as Cooper would say "peace outside".

 

So I think I ate about 14 candy canes at work today... that's what they get for using them for decoration all around my hostess stand.  My boss ruined my thanksgivin and now he's tryin to take my damn christmas too... GRR.  When I went to get all my personal affects out of my damn wrecked car I found some oatmeal in the trunk and I just cooked it up and boy is it YUMMY on a cold day like today... GOD, I just got home and now I gotta leave in 40 mins for class, I can't wait to get another car......  "life's a waste of time, and time's a waste of life, live the way you want, and you'll have the time of your life."

 

"I only smoke when I drink, and I only drink when I smoke"-Cary Haze

 

Hmmmm.  So I've been in oregon for what, 2 days?... too sick to count.  The bus ride was nice, got to read a book which I haven't had time for lately.  I got a new car today, finally.  A 97 pontiac grand am, white, got hell of a good deal on it, but now I'm absolutely broke.. and it's 2 days to christmas, sigh.  On the shelby war...  I texted her, just trying to be civil, and recieved no text back... which is absolutely fine.  I just know we have 4 out of 5 classes together next quarter, and tho we may not be friends, I was hoping we could at least stop avoiding eye contact.  Well that's all for now folks, I'm a tired s.o.b.

 

There will always be another you.

 

Cheeesssnuts roasting on an open fire....... cause yeah, I did that today, weird.  Anyways this was the best Christimas ever... everything just went perfectly.  I always get so fuckin nervous when things go so right for me though.... cause, what goes up, must come down.... but yeah, things are good.

 

Cary:  "you're the girl in the picture".............

 

You can take the girl out of the honkey tonk, but you can't take the honkey tonk out of the girl.